Life is Wonderful

"The Yearbook" (unedited)

2009-05-05T21:25:00.000-07:00

This is my unedited edition of "The Yearbook". A personal narrative I wrote for my kids. Enjoy!

“Casey, can you sign my yearbook?” I asked tentatively, handing him the dark blue book. I was nervous. Casey was the cutest boy in the 8th grade and I’d had a crush on him for the LONGEST time. Nearly three months, which was forever in junior high terms. But if you saw Casey, you would understand. He had dark brown hair, nearly black and it fell against his forehead in the most alluring way. He dressed casually in t-shirts and the perfect baggy jeans. Not too baggy, but just baggy enough to make him a “skater” boy. He was smart, too, which was probably the main reason I liked him. He took all advanced classes and seemed to ace them all. He was also nice to me, which was a major plus. I had been pretty sure he would sign my yearbook, but now as I held the book out to him, doubt began to creep into my mind.
“What if he refuses to sign it?” I wondered hopelessly.
“Sure,” he said, giving me a crooked smile, his blue eyes twinkling.
Suddenly, the bell rang. Students began racing into class and taking their seats. Guys were slapping hands and cliques of girls giggled and whispered as they sat down at their desks. I looked at Casey.
“I’ll get it back to you at the end of class.”
“Okay,” I stuttered nervously,
I rushed back to my seat next to my friend, Christina. Conveniently, Casey was seated directly across from me. I quickly pulled out my “World Studies” textbook and a blue spiral notebook. Geography class was about to start. And Mrs. Thomas demanded our rapt attention.
“Now class,’ Mrs. Thomas said. ‘Please turn to page two hundred and ninety one of your textbook. Suddenly, I felt somebody nudge my elbow.
“Pssssst”, I turned around. It was Christina. She nodded in Casey’s direction. I looked over and saw him. He had his yearbook in my hand and he was slowly turning the pages. He was going through my yearbook. No, wait, he wasn’t just going through my yearbook, he was reading the messages in my yearbook., the personal messages from my closest friends. Many of these messages said things like:

Dear Katie,
I hope you have a fantastic summer! I hope that Casey falls in love with you in the next few weeks and you have the most perfect romantic summer ever. Stay sweet!

Love,
Lisa
“Eeeeeeeeek!” I said this in my head. Not out loud, thank God! Well, if Casey had any doubt at all in his mind that I liked him, that was all over now. He now knew that not only did I have a crush on him, but I dreamed of us going steady through high school and going to the same college and getting married and living in a two story red-brick house with a three car garage similar to the one that my family lived in now.
I watched in horror as Casey leaned toward Brandon, his best friend who also happened to sit next to him in class. It should also be mentioned that before I had started pining away for Casey, I had had a crush on Brandon. This was just too much.
I watched as Casey pointed to something in my yearbook. Brandon read it and smiled.
“Kill me now,” I thought as I buried my head in my book.
I spent the remainder of class simultaneously watching the clock and trying (rather unsuccessfully) NOT to watch Casey.
2:13…, 2:13 and thirty seconds…, 2:14… 2:14 and thirty seconds…, 2:15. Finally! The bell rang it’s annoying “buzz” sound. Class was over. I slowly got up and turned to Christina.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” She said, smiling at me. “Go get your yearbook”.
I slowly walked toward Casey. His things were piled neatly on his desk: spiral notebook on top of binder, textbook on top of spiral notebook. And on top of the spiral notebook was my yearbook.
He smiled at me as I stopped at his desk.
“Thanks for signing it,” I said, stuttering.
“No problem,” Casey said, handing me the yearbook. And then he winked at me. I nearly fainted.

Mass Hysteria or Caution?

2009-05-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

My school is closed down until next Thursday because one of the students has a confirmed "probable" case of the swine flu. Now, I'm all for some extra days off (the word as of now is that we won't have to make up the days), but I'm wondering if a week is a little excessive? I don't know. Maybe it isn't, but Justin's doctor seems to think it is.

Justin has not been feeling well for the past few days and had a high temperature on Friday. We went to the doctor Friday afternoon. His doctor was in a terrible mood! She seemed very annoyed with us and kept talking about the mass hysteria in regards to H1N1 (We can probably thank Biden for that). She said that she's has never run more flu tests before in her life. Justin told her that he would have gone to the doctor regardless of the swine flu because of how miserable he was. Well, Justin doesn't have the swine flu (and we never thought he did), but isn't it better to be safe than sorry?
This brings up two questions for me:

1) Would I have gone to work on Thursday knowing that one of the students at my school "probably" has the swine flu?

2) If I had kids, would I have sent them to school with this knowledge?

The answer to question one is yes. I was fully prepared to go to school on Thursday until I got the call that it was canceled. However, the answer to question two is no. If I had kids, I would not have sent them to school, canceled or not.

So, my question for you is this... is this all mass hysteria or are we just being safe?

I'm in a Pensive Mood

2009-04-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

On the Web

2009-04-12T23:21:00.001-07:00

Had a wonderful weekend and started up two new blogs out of boredom. I started up one that is semi work-related. it's for all things reading and writing. I hope to share some of my favorite writing and maybe even share some of my own. You can find it at... http://odetodream.blogspot.com/

Justin and I also started up a blog for our three girls. It is mainly for our own amusement, but we hope to share some of our favorite dog anecdotes. We also hope that our little cousins, nieces, and nephews might enjoy it. You can find it at... http://seaspotblog.blogspot.com

I've also found some other websites that some of you may find interesting

1) knitting help.com
This is a great website for first time knitters. I've been knitting off and on for a few years now and this website has great little videos that teach various knitting techniques

2) www.wordle.net
This website allows you to play around with your favorite quotes and passages to create text art.

A Spring Break Update

2009-03-29T15:53:00.001-07:00

Haven't posted in a long time for the very best of reasons. I have been busy living my life! But thank goodness, I'm on Spring Break now and I have a little time to breathe and unwind. It's a gorgeous day and I feel like I should be outside enjoying it, but I realize it's something I "feel" I need to do, not something I want to do. So, instead I'll snuggle up in my "hobbit hole" and read, clean the bedroom and RELAX!!!
Justin and I are going to Vancouver on Wednesday for a little mini-vacation. It's our first time going away together just the two of us. Justin booked a nice hotel with an indoor pool and a hot tub. We'll eat out and walk around downtown and I'll probably force Justin to shop on Robson St. with me.
I've been on "Sex and the City" overload lately. My DVR has been recording it every night and I watched the movie again last night for the millionth time. I don't know why, but that movie gets me so emotional. There are a few parts that really get to me.

1) The part when Big leaves Carrie right before they get married. It gets me crying.

2) The part where Charlotte shits her pants. Have never laughed so hard before in my life.

3) The part when Miranda and Steven meet on the bridge. Gets me crying from happiness.

4) The very end when everything falls into place. I get a feeling of intense satisfaction.

A great movie! I can't wait for the next one to come out! Now it's time to tackle the closet and my desk. I will update soon!

Procrastination in Moderation

2009-02-01T18:43:00.000-08:00

I really should be grading papers, but I haven't posted in a while and there is nothing wrong with procrastination in moderation.

So many things have been falling into place lately, it makes me feel so lucky. Having Justin and the dogs with me has been wonderful. I mean, three dogs are a lot of work, but there is also a lot of love in this apartment. Also, not having to drive back and forth from Seattle to Tukwila and back numerous times a day has been great! I feel like we have extra hours in our week again and that's extra time we can spend together. My parents have been so understanding about the situation. I know it's not what they would have chosen for me, but they've accepted it, which I appreciate. The only people I worry about are my grandparents and what they don't know won't hurt them. So, if any of my cousins happen to be reading this (which I doubt), please don't tell Pau-Pau and Gung-Gung! It would probably give them heart attacks.

I feel better about my job, too. I mean, it's a tough job, but there is an end in sight. I f inally got up the nerve to tell my principal that I am thinking about going elsewhere next year and she took it very well, which was such a relief. Who knows, maybe I'll be in the same job next school year. I don't know how many teaching jobs are out there, but I feel good having done the professional and well, decent thing to do in being honest with my principal.

This whole losing weight thing has not been going well, so I finally decided to make a realy committment. I have decided to completely cut out orange juice and mochas from my diet this February. I have a feeling that these calories will really make a difference. We'll see, I guess.

Okay, so my procrastination must come to an end. I must grade papers and lesson plan!

Deck the Halls

2008-12-28T17:02:00.000-08:00

I have been in Chicago with the fam for about nine days now. I love my family! Absolutely love them to death. I would do anything for them. But, remind me next year to only go home for a week. It's not that I don't love spending time with my family. I do... I just need my space. Living in the same city with them would be great. I just can't live in the same house with them. Every time I stay with them I feel like I revert back to childhood. Or maybe they think of me as a child. Anyways, eventually during the visit, they start treating me like a bitchy, whiny teenager and when they do that I become, well... a bitchy, whiny teenager. That's why I'm so glad that Justin is coming Tuesday morning. Maybe that will make me more grown up in their eyes. Anyways, enough of this whining. I have had a great Christmas. Here are some of the highlights in no particular order.

1) Jersey Boys-- Now Jersey Boys is a highly entertaining musical. It's the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. They guy who played Frankie Valli was amazing. My dad thought he may even have a better voice than the real Frankie Valli.

2) The Food-- Now, my mom is the best cook! I am not exaggerating. I know that everyone thinks that their mom is the best cook, but my mom really is. Just ask my cousins. They'll vouch for her. I've had a wondrous array of delectable Chinese food along with traditional holiday classics. And the cookies. THE COOKIES! Nothing says Christmas like my great-grandmother's sugar cookies.

3) Midnight Mass-- I always complain about going, but it always gives me chills. Midnight at church just feels special and I always do feel a presence when I'm there.

4) Christmas Day-- It's always the same, but it's always wonderful. We wake up to delicious chocolate pancakes with white chocolate chips, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Then we open presents. And I got everything I wanted and more, including a beautiful leather Cole Haan shopper.

My vacation is just about half over, so there will be more highlights to follow this post. In the meantime, let me just wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

As Promised!

2008-12-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

Gausthaus Schnitzel and a Carriage Ride

2008-12-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, I don't have the pics yet, but it had to be said, I am dating the sweetest, most wonderful guy in the universe! Justin took yesterday off so he could take me to Leavenworth. For those of you who don't know, Leavenworth is a Bavarian village in eastern Washington. It is very quaint, and touristy and very Christmasy!
Justin was amazing the whole day! We got going pretty quickly Sunday morning and we were off after a quick stop at Starbucks. I was a little nervous about driving through the pass, but Rosie, Justin's trusty truck, really pulled through. The pass was not a problem at all.
Before we got to Leavenworth, we made a quick side trip to Wenatchee. Justin loves Sonic Drive-Ins and the closest one (for now) happens to be in Wenatchee (3 hours away). In fact, I'm not quite sure Leavenworth was the real reason we made the drive ;)
Leavenworth was amazing! It was really cold, but we toughed it out as we walked along Front Street, stopping to look at little stores selling things like nutcrackers and angels. We bought some yummy taffy at a store that sold every flavor imaginable.
The highlight of the trip had to be our carriage ride. Justin took me on a horse-drawn carriage ride through Leavenworth. Now, what kind of guy suggests a romantic carriage drive on a freezing day? I am too lucky for words.
After the carriage ride, we walked around a little more and when our cheeks started to go numb we went inside for a pretzel and some hot spiced apple cider. That warmed us up enough to go back outside for the tree lighting ceremony. That really got me in the Christmas spirit! I barely even noticed the cold. It helped that we were standing next to a roaring fire. Everything was lit up bit by bit... first one tree, then another, and finally all the store fronts.
Our trip to Leavenworth ended with great food at a little restaurant on Front Street. I forget the name of it, but the food was excellent. I had gasthaus schnitzel, which is breaded pork with a mushroom and onion sauce with cheese. Mmmmmmmm...... yummy! It really was a day of eating!
After dinner we headed home and crashed for the night. It was a great day, and not to sound too sappy, but I have the best boyfriend ever! :) I'll put up pics as soon as I can!

2008-12-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

I'm breaking my habit of one post or less per week and posting the day after my last post. Angela found a song for me to sing at her wedding. I know everyone in the world had heard of it except for me. It's called "Bless the Broken Road" and it's by Rascal Flatts. I downloaded it last night and I think it's beautiful. I think it will be perfect for Angela and Jason's wedding and I also think it expresses how I feel about Justin. So, here it is!

Bless The Broken Road lyrics

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

Questions

2008-12-07T20:39:00.001-08:00

Lots of things on my mind today. I'll make a list.

1) How can you save a friendship that has always been important when all of your efforts are thwarted (that's right, I used the word "thwarted")?

2) Am I denying a vital part of who I am by thinking about becoming a member of a non-denominational Christian Church? I am Catholic, after all.

3) How can I get a really good workout in a very limited amount of time?

4) I feel like I've run out of really good adult books to read. Any suggestions?

5) What should I give Justin for Christmas?

6) How can I continue to be motivated in a job that has almost completely drained me in three-and-a-half months?

7) Is it weird that after reading the "Twilight" series and seeing the movie, I kind of want to be a vampire?

Food for thought.

Thanksgiving Adventures!

2008-12-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been completely insane, so are therefore worthy of an update. Thanksgiving was great! I love a Green Bay Thanksgiving! The food was superb and the company was beyond compare. It was great to see my family. I hadn't seen my brother in nearly a year! The holiday went along without any hitches until Friday when my uncle hurt his knee playing touch football. Touch football is a bit of a tradition with my family. We usually play Thanksgiving day and sometimes the day after. I opted out this year (I wasn't wearing appropriate shoes and had forgotten my tennies). Anyways, my uncle hurt his knee in the game. It looked painful! I think he had the most crazy Thanksgiving by far.
We went back to Chicago on Friday. Saturday was fun! We got dim sum in Chinatown and then my mom, my sister and I shopped State Street. I have to say that I really do miss shopping in Chicago! Then we had yummy Chicago-style pizza for dinner and saw "Australia" (good movie, by the way).
Things started going downhill on Sunday. My flight to Cincinnatti was delayed, so I managed to get an earlier flight. Unfortunatley, that flight was delayed on the runway. I missed my connecting flight to Seattle and had to stay in Ohio (technically Kentucky) for the night. They airline paid for a nice room, but the whole thing was a huge pain.
I managed to get a flight back to Seattle today, but I ended up missing another day of work. The silver lining was that I would get a few hours with Justin before he had to go to work. Unfortunately that didn't happen. He took my out to lunch and locked his keys in his truck. I have to hand it to Justin. I would have called Triple A and waited for help. But Justin tried to solve the problem himself. He bought some rope at target and managed to loop it around the window opener to open it a little bit. Finally, someone came around with a tool and he was able to get the door open. This process took an hour, which left about a half-hour for us to spend together. :(
I spent the rest of the day relaxing--- a mani/pedi and major vegging time. It's back to the grind tomorrow. Phooey!

2008-11-23T17:47:00.000-08:00

I know it has been FOREVER since I've last updated, but that's because I have been so incredibly busy. Juggling work, friends, Maddy, and Justin has been crazy, but WONDERFUL! I could do without work, but unfortunately work is necessary to make the rest of my life work.

Justin and I spent our first extended period of time apart. It was difficult, but it's something we need to get used to. I will be going home to Chicago on Tuesday and will be going home again over Christmas. Hopefully he'll be able to come to Chicago for New Years though. It's important that he meets my parents and my brother. He already met Kirsten about a month ago.

I am so excited to go home on Tuesday! I have not seen my brother since last Christmas. Like I said, I saw Kirsten about a month ago and I saw my parents in July. I also get to see almost all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins on my dad's side in Green Bay. We are going to have a traditional Green Bay Thanksgiving with my grandmother's recipe for stuffing and loads of pie! Yay pie! It is the beginning of food season! I'm going to eat what I want (within reason) until January 2nd. Then, it's diet time! Bleh! I'm determined to get back to my college weight. This is going to be painful.

Well, it's vegging out time! I'm going to watch "This Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2", read In Style, and have a smoothie for dinner (means I can eat more on Thursday). Will update soon! Promise!

Wonderful in the midst of not-so-wonderful

2008-10-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

Life in Seattle has been pretty wonderful, but I guess all things can't go smooth all the time. My career had been going so well, it was due for a little (well, bigger) blip in the road. But, I choose not to focus on it. Instead, I choose to focus on the wonderful things in my life. Like, I just had a wonderful weekend with my sister. We went to Pikes Market, walked around Fremont, took Maddy on a walk along Alki Beach, and walked around Capital Hill. We also ate a ton of good food. If you haven't gone to any of the following places, you must.

1) Queen Anne Cafe-- Everything here is good. I especially love their burgers and omelets.
2) Umi Sake House-- Great mixed drinks and great sushi!
3) Betty-- Everything here is good. I loved the pan seared chicken.
4) Table 219-- Best brunch I've had in my life. The french toast was to die for!
5) Mexico City-- Kirsten and I shared fajitas for two!
6) Silence-Heart-Nest-- Great vegetarian and vegan food.

Another thing to be happy about is definitely Justin. He is great and is really helping me through these job issues. I know things are moving quickly, but who am I to stop something that feels so right. I think this calls for a little Mraz.

"I'm Yours"

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing,
we're just one big family.
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family ([2nd time:] ah, la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

Giddy

2008-10-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should be tying concrete blocks to my feet, but I'm not going to. I've never really understood people who caution happiness, especially sudden happiness. Many people think that if happiness comes quickly and unexpectedly then it should be cautioned. "Be careful" is a phrase that I constantly hear. And I will be careful. I will stay my own person. I will take care of myself. But, I also plan to swim in this quick and unexpected happiness for as long as it lasts. Who am I to turn my back on an amazing gift, something people wait for there entire lives? And I know I'm being sappy and giddy and slightly ridiculous, but I DON'T CARE!!!! I am happy! There is someone amazing in my life and I have never felt like this before. Okay, I've already said to much. Yay! :)

Venting, Friends, Snoqualmie Falls, and GO PACK!

2008-10-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

A lot has been going on lately. Almost too much to write. Almost too serious to write about. Let me just say that as a teacher, as a human being, I really, honestly don't expect much appreciation. My job and my life are rewards in and of themselves. But I've never expected the opposite. I've never expected to be hated because of what I do. And maybe hate is too strong a word, I don't know. I guess I never expected to be victimized because of what I do, but I find that I have been put in that role. And I feel powerless and ignored and insignificant and maybe that is being over dramatic, but that is how I feel.

Thank goodness for my friends and my family (especially my sister). They have really stepped up to the plate and have really been there for me with advice and support and just letting me vent. I've also found support in an unexpected place, which is great.

Well, on to cheerier subjects. I went to Snoqualmie Falls yesterday with a friend and it was beautiful and relaxing and I had a wonderful time. We hiked a mile down to view the falls and a mile back up. Going down was fine, but going back up gave me a blister. It was worth it, though. The view was beautiful and it is hard for me to imagine a more beautiful, romantic spot on Earth.

Game day was spent with Jess who ALWAYS cheers me up and the Packers win was just icing on the cake. I got heckled very little, which was also nice. It was a good weekend. I just need to get through the week. I'm trying to fill my week. Tuesday: dinner at a friend's house. Wednesday: dinner with one of my favorite teacher friends. Now I just need to fill up the other three days before another glorious weekend. Maybe a movie. Maybe the dog park. I'll figure it out. I hate to feel that way about my work week and it really has nothing to do with the kids. It's not their fault. There is just this negative vibe there right now and I'm going to to my best to make it go away, but I wonder how much I really can do. Any thoughts?

So for now, I'll leave on a more positive note. Go Pack! Rodgers Rules! I am awesome and I know this deep down! If you believe in vibes, please send some positive ones my way. Ciao for now :)

Randomness

2008-09-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

What a crazy few weeks I've had! After finally getting through that certification mess, the 8th grade Math and Science teacher quit. This made are already somewhat unstable 8th grade even more unstable. Those kids are tough, I know, I had them last year, but they deserve to have a permanent, well-qualified, caring teacher. Well, after a few weeks of craziness, I heard it through the grapevine that my principal has hired a new teacher, a black woman in her late 50s who used to be a preacher and considers discipline her strong point. PERFECT!!! She's going to start sometime next week and I'm really, really hoping she can whip these kids into shape.

One of my best friends called me today from the parking lot at Lowe's to ask me what kind of car that guy I know that cheated on his wife drives. Of course, this question intrigued me. Turns out that this guy and his "ahem" wife were about two cars ahead of her and about to pull out of the parking lot. I almost wish she had caught them sooner and said something to him like "Weren't you friends with a girl named Kate" or "Aren't you so-and-so?" I didn't know you were married? Of course, this particular friend never would have done this, but I kind of wished one of my more outspoken friends had seen him and asked these questions.

I had a dream about him the other week. Well, actually, he wasn't in the dream, though his wife was. And in the dream she was a lot better looking than she actually is. Apparently, she was wearing a tigger sweatshirt when my friend saw them. Anyways, I dreamt that I went to this women's work to meet her and we had a nice friendly chat and then I told her what her husband had done and she went ballistic on me and screamed at me and called me all of these awful names. And well, I don't think I'm going to tell her anytime soon. Strange dream.

A Few Realizations

2008-09-04T21:26:00.001-07:00

In the past 48 hours I have learned many many things. It is only the second day of school, and I had a sub in for me for half the day. Quite frankly, I was lucky that I got to work half a day.

At 5:30 on Tuesday night (the night before the first day of school) my principal called me and told me that the district just called her and told her that I wasn't certified and couldn't teach. Aparantly, the state hadn't received some test scores, which is weird considering the scores are supposed to be automatically sent after you take the test.

Anyways, I panicked. I went in to work on the first day, but a sub had to stay in the room the whole time. After school, I went to the district and asked them to fill out a form for me to get an emergency certificate. They wouldn't do it. They said it wasn't district policy. They told me that I shouldn't go in to work until the certificate problem was straightened out (which takes months). They basically told me that I didn't have a job. I have never felt so expendable in my life. My principal wanted me, my colleagues wanted me, my students wanted me, but the district didn't care.

I spent Wednesday night sobbing. I called everyone I could think of to ask for advice and comfort. And I work with the BEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD! Everyone was very comforting, but things were still very bleak. The whole time I was thinking:

1) How was I going to pay rent without a job?
2) How was I going to tell my parents I lost a job?
But the main thought in my head was:
3) I love my job and I care about my students and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't teaching at Madrona K-8.

This was surprising to me. I mean, I've always known that I like my job, I just never realized that I love it. Anyways, today I went down to the state office and talked to an angel named Linda who convinced Seattle Public Schools to sign off on my emergency certificate. I spent half the day driving back and forth from Seattle to Renton with various documents, but I finally got my permit and was able to teach this afternoon. Through all of this trauma and stress I've learned some very important things:

1) Keep all important documents in a safe place! If I had just saved a copy of my test scores none of this would have happened!
2) I am expendable to the school district.
3) I am not expendable to my colleagues and students.
4) I love my job.

A stressful 48 hours, but I learned a lot. I love teaching!

Work, Marriage, and Other Realizations

2008-08-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

I am enjoying a lazy weekend. I have the apartment to myself. I am relaxing. It feels good. I honestly haven't had much time to relax, well, this whole summer. I have made a promise to myself to be frugal enough this year so that I will be able to afford not to work next summer. I intend to have a summer of rest and relaxation. I only have a year to go. Yikes!

School is starting next week and the butterflies are flying around in my gut. A week ago I was so confident. My students did so well on the writing portion of the WASL. This week was another story. Have you ever known a person who just sucks away your confidence and everything that makes you feel good about yourself? There is a person in my life who is like this and unfortunately, I work in pretty close quarters with her. I know she means well, which makes thing worse. Being around her just makes me feel crappy about myself. I somehow need to get the confidence to move beyond the things that she says to me. In my heart and head I know that I am a good teacher. I'm not perfect, by any means. But I am improving every day and I think one day I will be a great teacher. I just need to keep repeating this in my head over and over again.

Two of my best friends got married last week. I am so incredibly happy for them! And just a little bit lonely. I will miss my single friends so much! Now they are my married friends. I still love them to death, but things will be different. I guess that's growing up for you. This woman at my work who I love noticed I was a little down last week and told me to not even thing about getting married until I'm 36. She said I should be enjoying my time to myself and encouraged me to go out and live my life to the fullest. That is what I have been doing and what I intend to continue to do. Sadness begone!

I just realized this post is a little depressing, which was not my intention. Everything in my life has been very good, and, as I continue to say, miles better than it was a year ago. I guess I am just looking for more; more fun, more excitement, more challenges. They are bound to come. After all, look at all that happened in the past year!

Update

2008-08-04T21:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in a while and a TON has been going on! My parents were here for a week and we had a very nice time. We went to Bainbridge Island on my birthday. We walked around the quaint little streets and had lunch at a sidewalk cafe. We took Maddy for a walk on the waterfront and she was afraid to walk on the docks! It was really funny! I think she thought she would fall through the cracks in the boards. We also went on a little hike through the woods.

I had a great birthday dinner with my friends! Well, the dinner itself wasn't the great (Wild Ginger didn't live up to it's hype), but the company more than made up for it. I have the most awesome friends in the world! Only four people were missing from the dinner; Eina, Gigi, Susan, and Nnennia. They were there in spirit, though. :)

My parents left on Saturday morning. It was hard to see them go; especially since I won't see them until Thanksgiving. They really are the most wonderful people in the world. Thank goodness I had Jess' bachelorette party Saturday night to take my mind off missing my parents. It was loads of fun! We went dancing and drinking in Pioneer Square. Jessica seemed to have a good time. She even got to get up on the bar and dance. I'd post a pic of that, but I'm afraid of retribution. ;) All in all, I've had a pretty good week and have thought about J less than my usual. :)

Lucky who?

2008-07-28T21:54:00.001-07:00

I'm glad my parents are here. They are wonderful and have (unknowingly) distracted me and have kept me from thinking about J (as much). Thank goodness! They distract me from missing that lying, cheating, well... asshole. But... I still miss him. At least I know that I am a good person with good morals who has the strength to do the right thing... as hard as it may be. :(

Spending time with my parents has been fun, but something has gone wrong every single day since they have been here. Like the first day I locked my keys in my car at Greenlake and my dad and I had to wait around for AAA. The rest of the day was fun, though. We had Thai for lunch and walked around Queen Anne. Then we had Mexican food for dinner and watched "The Dark Knight". It was very good.

Sunday went smoothly until later that night. We went to Pike's Market and walked around and had lunch at Etta's Seafood. Then we went to Nordstrom and my mom bought me these great boots. Then, we decided to go to Pagliacci's for dinner and we couldn't find a parking spot. Finally, we saw these people getting into their car so I pulled up and put my signal on. Suddenly another car pulled up in front of me and took the spot. He was screaming and gesturing the whole time. My dad got pissed off and I pulled out of their as quickly as I could.
It wasn't a huge deal, but it kind of put a damper on the day.

Today I had to work, but my parents picked me up from work at 5 and we walked down the Ave. and got pho for dinner. Only problem: my mom had peppers with her pho and then touched her eye. We had to run and get her eye drops to take care of the problem. She recovered pretty quickly, though and we got bubble tea and went to the bookstore.

I'm hoping that nothing bad or even inconvenient happens tomorrow! :)

Bob Dylan Said It

2008-07-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually into posting song lyrics, but I thought this said things pretty well. And yeah, I am being pretty melodramatic, but I think I'm entitled. :)

Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name, babe
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, babe
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a man, a child I'm told
I give him my heart but he wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, babe
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

A Moral Question or A Question of Morality

2008-07-22T20:13:00.001-07:00

Okay, so what would you do in this situation? What if you knew that a man was cheating on his wife? What if this man has lied about practically every aspect of his life in order to keep this lie? Would you tell his wife that she is married to a liar and a cheat? Would you make him tell her himself? Is this the morally correct thing to do? Or is this none of your business? Should you just stay out of it? What if you know that telling his wife would ruin his life and hurt her a lot? Would you still tell her? Even if he swore up and down that he loves his wife and he'll never cheat on her again? What is the right thing to do? I'm not sure. I would like to hear from as many people as possible, but I am especially interested in what you married women think. If your husband was cheating on you, would you want to know? Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Rena's Bachelorette and a Fabulous Weekend!

2008-07-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

I had such a fun weekend! Friday night, Rena and I saw "Mama Mia" and went to Thai Ginger for dinner. I thought the movie was really cute. It was cheesy, but it was meant to be cheesy. It poked fun at itself, which made it good.

Saturday was super busy. J came over for awhile in the afternoon. Yeah, that's right, J and I are kind of seeing each other again. It's very complicated. Anyways, we hung out for a little while and then I walked him to his car. He had parked in my spot. And there was a ticket on his windshield. I was really mad. The apartment manager had sworn up and down that nobody would be ticked or towed from my spot unless I asked them to be. J didn't think it was a big deal, though. I am going to argue the ticket for him, though.

Then I hosted Rena's bachelorette party. People started coming over at 2 to help me set up. It was an all day event. We went shopping downtown and went to Happy Hour. Then we came back to my place to get ready to go out, drink, and play party games. The games were hilarious! But since this is a public account, I won't go into details.

At around 9:30, we left for the Can Can. The Can Can is a French burlesque club in Pike's Market. They have great food, drinks, and a great show! The girl who belly-danced was incredible. Near the end of the show they pulled Rena on stage to embarrass her. We got some great pics of that!

Today was super lax. I slept in and went for a nice long jog. Later, Becky picked me up and we went to Queen Anne Cafe for lunch. We totally stuffed ourselves, but it felt really good. Then I went home and took a super long nap on the couch. Now that felt REALLY good! I made myself some hamburger helper for dinner and watched "The Sound of Music". Now it's time to go to bed so I'm nice and energetic for work tomorrow! Yay! It was a great weekend!

Typing is Tough with Tendonitis

2008-07-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

I've had this pain in my left thumb for a few days now. It hurt right at the joint connecting my thumb to the rest of my hand. The pain had been tolerable, just a little annoying. I figured I had slept on it funny and that it would feel better in a few days. Needless to say, I was wrong.

I tossed and turned all last night. The pain kept me up. When I woke up the next morning I called me dad and he told me that he thought I should go the the ER. It was hurting really bad. I didn't want to drive with how bad my hand hurt, so I called my friend, Jessica, but her phone was turned off. That's when I started feeling sorry for myself. I know all my other good friends were busy or out of town and I knew that Jessica was really the only person I could ask. Jessica has always "mothered" me a little. She's been a big sister to me since I met her my freshman year. Anyways, I went into full panic mode. I started crying like a baby. I haven't cried in a really long time! It wasn't the pain, really. I just felt very much alone. I hated the idea of driving to the hospital alone and waiting for hours in that horrible waiting room. Probably the worst experience I ever had in my life took place in an emergency room and I just didn't want to be there alone.

Just when I had resigned myself to going alone, Jessica called. Thank Heavens! Of course she dropped everything and came to pick me up. She drove me to urgent care and stayed with me the entire time. Jessica had her Wedding Shower yesterday, so she was pretty tired, but she took care of my anyways. Now that is a friend! She made my feel less alone in the world. It's wonderful to have a friend like that.

Well, they did X-Rays and the doctor diagnosed me with tendonitis. I have to wear a brace for two weeks and if it doesn't start feeling better in a couple of days I have to start physical therapy. Pooey! Now you might be wondering what caused this tendonitis. The only thing I can think of is the many times I've lifted those 7-year-olds up to reach the monkey bars. Well, no more lifting for me.

Only Human

2008-07-07T22:34:00.000-07:00

Well, the bachelorette party that I have been planning has completely changed. And I am relieved about that. I think these changes are good changes, but it was stressful to make them. I don't know... I find it so hard to please everyone all of the time. And trust me, it's something I work very hard at. I feel like I try so hard to be agreeable all of the time that when I finally lose my temper, people think I'm being unreasonable because they are so used to me being complacent. Aaaaaaaah!!! Maybe I need to work on being more of a bitch. That way when I lose my temper it won't surprise anyone. I am trying my best. Let me just say that. I am trying to be a good teacher, counselor, friend, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, organizer, writer, mother to a dog, roommate, bridesmaid, PERSON! And don't get me wrong, I relish being all of these things. I love it! It just can be a little much at time. It is hard trying to be perfect, especially when you know you are nowhere NEAR perfect. Again, let me say that I am trying my best and will continue trying my best. Just allow me my moments of humanity now and again. It keeps my sane. :)

A Lovely Weekend!

2008-06-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have had a lovely weekend. It was pretty hot; in the high 80s. Every time I found myself beginning to complain about the heat, I stopped myself; remembering a few weeks ago when I was longing for this weather.
After the excitement of Friday night, I was looking forward to a nice relaxing day. I woke up early and went to boot camp and MAN, my ass is sore! I must not work those muscles very much, but it felt good. Later, I met Hannah and Jason at the SAM (Seattle Art Museum). They had an Impressionism exhibit with all of my favorites: Monet, Degas, Morisot, Pissarro. They were all there! The collection was nice, but they came no where near to the collections at the museums I went to in Rome and Paris. In a way, I think Europe ruined art for me. After the museum I got yummy takeout from Bahn Thai (soooo good) and vegged out for the remainder of the evening.
Today I went to church with George. It's funny, but I'm finding myself more and more drawn to non-Catholic Christian churches. I really like George's church: Bethany Community Church, and the message it gives. Their approach to Christianity is more practical: what can we do to be better people, to give back to the community, and to help others? That's a message I can relate to. At the same time I am hesitant to leave the faith that I grew up with. Catholicism with all of it's faults, is still a faith I'm still drawn to. I think I might find it difficult to cut off ties with the Virgin and with people I strongly admire, like Father Arnold Weber from Holy Name, Mother Theresa, and Pope John Paul II. It would also break my mother's heart. Food for thought.
I also went on a nice walk with Maddy up to Queen Anne Ave today. We enjoyed the sun and I got to sip on an ice cold soy green tea latter. Poor Maddy is so hot now, though. She is just lying on the linoleum with her tongue hanging out. All in all, it was a nice, lax weekend with lots of food for thought. :)

A Strange Friday

2008-06-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was very strange! Well, I twisted my ankle and scraped my knee. I guess that's not that strange. I tend to injure myself on a fairly regular basis. It was annoying and embarrassing though. There was a gap in the sidewalk outside the hardware store where I bought a sprinkler for the camp kids. Needless to say, I tripped and fell and swore and then limped to my car. That's not all that strange, but it did happen yesterday, so I thought I should include it.

Strange thing #1: I was taking a break at work and checking my email. I noticed that the name Jesse had popped up on my googletalk buddy list. I thought that was very strange. Jesse was the guy that I had had a brief fling with several months ago. I had really liked him and was a little disappointed when I never heard from him again. Well, he messaged me while I was checking my email. I was at work, so I couldn't chat, but I told him that I would talk to him later. So, later that day I finally talked to him. It started out normal enough. We talked about what we had been up to for the past few months. Finally, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him why he was messaging me after such a long time. He told me that he wanted to apologize for his behavior. He felt bad and embarrassed about taking so long to get in touch with me. He also admitted that he had been thinking a lot about me lately; about how I was doing and about what had happened between us. I told that I had just ended a relationship with somebody who hadn't given me what I needed and I didn't want to jump into anything like that again. I suggested being friends and he agreed. Let's see if we can actually accomplish that.

Weird thing #2: Melody woke me up in the middle of the night last night to tell me that someone had broken into the apartment directly below ours. She had woken up to flashlights shining through her window. She heard a police officer and the apartment manager talking about what happened. She was freaked out! We made sure all the doors and windows were locked and then Melody pulled her air mattress into my room so she wouldn't be alone. We didn't hear anything about it today. I'm a little freaked out because Melody is out of town this weekend. I'll be okay, though. I have Maddy! A ferocious attack dog!

A Happy Medium

2008-06-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have been learning to stand up for myself lately. It's funny. I find it so easy to stand up for myself with some people. Well, really only my family. I have no problem standing up to them. I think this is because they are my family and I know they will love my no matter what. I have a much more difficult time standing up for myself with, well... everybody else. I am definitely non-confrontational with most people. Even with my friends.
I have lost good friends in the past for stupid reasons. I have lost friends without any explanations or answers. This makes me afraid to say anything that might upset a friend or might make them think less of me. I just want to avoid any problems I have had in the past. What people need to understand is that after my break-up with Shbob I lost EVERY SINGLE FRIEND I had in Madison with the exception of two. Of those friends, one of them stuck by me for a few months, but then stopped returning my calls or responding to my emails. To this day, I have no idea why. The other, I am still friends with. After two years at Madison, I have one real friend that I speak to on a fairly regular basis.
Thank God I have my girls in Seattle and wonderful childhood friends, Susan and Nnennia. I am able to be honest with them about what I am feeling most of the time. Still, there are times I am afraid. I feel like I need to be cheerful and happy and optimistic all of the time. Maybe this is because of what I put my friends through after my break-up. It was a difficult time to be my friend. Heck, it was a difficult time to be me.
I have been allowing people to walk all over me. I have been so non-confrontational lately that I have gone without things I need in order to make life easier for other people. Take one of my colleagues. I have spent a lot of time being a good friend to her. I took her out to dinner for her birthday and when she was sick I went to the grocery story after a long day at work to buy her soup and medicine. I have been a great friend. However, when this friend does something unfair to me, even inappropriate to me at work, I ignore it. Why? Because I am so afraid of confrontation. I am so afraid of being disliked. This made my last months of school difficult. I should have talked to her about it, but I just didn't have the backbone.
What am I trying to say? I don't even really know. I guess I am trying to explain that it is difficult for me to stand up for myself, to confront somebody about something. I guess I want my friends (and everyone else who comes across this blog) to understand this difficulty and to somehow help my stand up for myself and get what I need for myself.
I've taken a small step in standing up for myself. After all, I did end things with J. I need some help, though. Teach me a happy medium between the queen of confrontation of my past and the mousy girl with no backbone of today.

Halfway There

2008-06-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I finally did what was best for me in my relationship with J. And what was best for me was to end it. It was a scary thing for me to do. I dislike being alone. I surround myself with people constantly and it was nice to have a guy in my life, however superficial our relationship was. And it was superficial. He couldn't give me what I need, which is a real relationship. And I told him exactly that. I told him that I needed more than he could give me and that I couldn't continue to see him. The hardest part was leading up to telling him. It was a really hard thing to do. But once I did it I felt amazingly light. I felt relieved. It was the right thing to do. I feel like I can finally say that I deserve better and I'm sick of settling because I'm afraid of being alone. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who's not right for me.

I think I'm going to spend the summer working on me. I'm going to improve myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm going to work on being happier with the person I am. Believe me, I've come miles from the person I used to be. My self-confidence and love of life has dramatically increased in the past year. However, the fact that I keep finding myself in relationships with less than savory men just because they give me a little attention proves that I have a little more work to do. I'll get there, though. :)

Sunburn!

2008-06-18T21:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so in reality I know that I'm really smart, but I do really dumb things at time. So, I have super sensitive skin and I burn really easily and I know this. So why do I continue to go out without sunscreen? Stupid, huh? I am a skin cancer victim waiting to happen. I think it's the Dutch in me. My dad has a very fair complexion. He's blonde, blue-eyed, and freckled. My grandfather actually had skin cancer. I need to be careful. It's only mid-June and this is the second sunburn I've had this year.
The worst sunburn I ever had was when I was in Rome during college. Rena, another girl, and I went to the beach and the sun was really hot. I DID WEAR SUNSCREEN THOUGH! However, it didn't matter. I got the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life. I actually got blisters on my back. It was painful to wear clothes. I had to get help to change clothes. HORRIBLE!!!
Tomorrow I'm going to buy sunscreen and I'm going to wear it! I swear! I'll need to working at a summer camp. :)

Crazy Horoscope

2008-06-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

Read my horoscope for today. I nearly peed my pants...

There can be a big difference between the intense love you have to give and the easygoing love you get in return as the Full Moon joins extreme Pluto today in your 5th House of Self-Expression. Although it may be very clear to you, it's challenging to explain this to others. Transforming personal romance into spiritual devotion can be a helpful practice now as creative Venus enters your 12th House of Soul Consciousness.

Crazy!

The Last Day of School

2008-06-17T20:55:00.000-07:00

So, today was THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! I cannot believe it is over for the school year. I was ready for it to be over, but I know I'm going to miss the kids so much. I have mixed feelings, which is so different from last year. Last year I was counting down the days, hours, minutes, and second until it was over. That's not the case this year. Sure, the kids aren't perfect. It's still an inner-city school with problems, but I still love it. That says a lot. I'm ready for the summer, but I'll be ready for the fall when it comes around again!

My New Signature Scent!

2008-06-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

So, it suddenly occurred to me that I've been wearing the same perfume for about ten years now. I think it's time for a change. While there is nothing wrong with Clinique Happy, I just feel like it has gotten a little old and worn and predictable for me. My thoughts were confirmed when I went on my "date" yesterday and Melody asked me if I was going to wear perfume and I said "yes, Clinique Happy" and she made a face and told me to wear some of her more sexy perfume. So, today I went to U Village and went on a little shopping spree to cheer myself up from yesterday's awful date. The goal was to find my new scent.
Well, I must have spent about an hour at Sephora sniffing perfumes. I wanted something new, something sexy, yet subtle. Something innocent, yet seductive. ;) I didn't want anything predictable like Chanel #5 or Calvin Klein's Obsession. Nor did I want any of the new bestselling perfumes. I wanted something unique. And I found it, so don't steal it. Nanette Lepore. Don't steal it. It smells so good. It's going to be my new signature scent, so hands off!

I'm Freakin' Cute!

2008-06-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

The most humiliating, embarrassing, insulting thing that can happen to a girl is to be rejected by a guy she didn't like in the first place. I went on a date with this guy named Matt. Now, I thought Matt was a nice guy, but I wasn't really attracted to him. He wasn't really my type. He was a little too girly for me. I like manly men. Anyways, the date went as well as expected. We walked around Greenlake and talked and he was nice, but I just wasn't feeling it.
After the date I went home and relaxed and checked my email. Matt had emailed me. In the email, he wished me the best of luck, but said we weren't a good match and that he wasn't attracted to me. WTF! Okay, so I felt the exact same way. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't happen to think that I'm gorgeous, hot, or even beautiful. But I'm freakin' cute and even pretty when I put in some effort. So, what the hell? I happen to know that I am more attractive than this guy. I swear, I'm not being vain. If I had gone on a date with a very hot guy, I would not have been surprised by this response. In fact, I prefer to date guys who are not as good looking as me for that very reason. My feelings were just hurt. Stupid guy. And I missed out on seeing J because I went out with this guy. And J happens to think that I'm hot. My pride has been wounded, but I'll get over it.

I Vow...

2008-06-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

I love my friends! I've been thinking about that "Sex and the City" episode where the girls decide to be each other's soulmates and men become just these nice guys to have fun with. I'm starting to think that way. I can just go out with guys and have fun and know that my girlfriends will always be there for me. Therefore, I vow to...

1) Never cancel plans with my girlfriends for a guy.
2) Occasionally cancel plans with a guy for my girlfriends and ALWAYS cancel plans with guys if my friends really need me.
3) Fill my social life with plans with my girlfriends every weekend.
4) Date lots of guys. NEVER settle for a guy that I just "kind of" like.
5) Always think of myself as the beautiful, smart, desirable, and strong woman that I am.
6) Be loyal to my family and friends.
7) Be courageous.
8) Be strong.
9) Never be someone I'm not.
10) Love myself.

2008-06-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhh! So much going on lately! So much drama! I hate drama, but it somehow always follows me. I got irritated with J yesterday. The truth of the matter is that J just can't give me what I need. I need a real relationship with a guy who can actually be there for me. J can't do that. So, unfortunately, it's just a matter of time before this "relationship" is over. I wonder if I can keep him as a friend? Not sure. In the meantime, I'll try to keep my mind off of my bad luck with guys and focus on getting healthy and spending time with my friends and my cool new roommate.

Withheld

2008-06-09T21:25:00.000-07:00

I'm going to stop calling J "J" and I'm going to start calling him "Withheld". I'm going to call him Withheld because that's what his number comes up on my phone as. I just got off the phone with him and he hung up on me again! No, we didn't have a fight. We were just talking like everything was normal and "bam"... dial tone. WTF!!! He'll have some excuse of course, but will I buy it?
Wait, okay, he just texted me. His phone died. Should I believe it? There was a weird beep before the phone went dead. Crap!!!

I Am Changing

2008-06-08T15:34:00.001-07:00

Okay, I'm going to be painfully honest here. I have been feeling lately that so many beautiful, smart women with everything in the world going for them act stupid around men. I would definitely include myself in this category. Here I am, still crazy about J even though I know he is in all likelihood lying to me. I have so many girlfriends in the same boat. Great girls who fall for guys who don't deserve them and don't give them what they need. I've spent lots of time and effort trying to tell these friends that they are battling for a lost cause, while, hypocrite as I am, I continue to let J call all of the shots with me. And no, he is not giving me what I need. And yes, I do realize that the likelihood of this "relationship" working out is probably less than 1%, and yet I continue. Stupid. But isn't realizing your own stupidity the next step to getting over it? I have been single (more or less) for the past four years. I am ready for a relationship, but I am going about it in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE. So, I resolve to GET SMART. I also realize that it doesn't matter what I say to my girlfriends in similar situations. They will do what they are going to do regardless of what I tell them. They need to realize what they are worth THEMSELVES. Then they will change. After all, I never really listened to my friends' warnings. Changing is something I have to make up my mind to do myself. And I will make this change... in time.

Well, I need someone to hold me, but I'll wait for something more...

2008-06-07T23:07:00.000-07:00

Eina posted a song on her blog the other day and I think I'll do the same. It's amazing how there always seems to be a song that fits whatever emotion you're feeling and whatever situation you're going through. As I was jogging this afternoon, I was listening to me iPod and the song, "Faith" by George Michael came on. It immediately made me feel better. I could really relate to the song. So, here it is. Take what you will from it! :)

Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too

Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
And when that love comes down
Without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have faith...

Baby
I know you're asking me to stay
Say please, please, please, don't go away
You say I'm giving you the blues
Maybe
You mean every word you say
Can't help but think of yesterday
And another who tied me down to loverboy rules

Before this river
Becomes an ocean
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've gotta have faith...

Paranoid or Naive?

2008-06-05T16:36:00.001-07:00

What do you to when you know you are being lied to? When you have the feeling that something is just not right? I know something is not right. Things just don't add up. I hate to be paranoid, but isn't paranoid better than naive? I have no idea. I guess I have to be a detective and figure this thing out. I do know one thing, though. I am handling this whole thing pretty dang well. I mean, couple of years ago I would have been a mess. And now, well, I'm sad, of course. I'm hoping to reach the "mad" stage pretty soon. I just don't like liars. So, should I be naive or paranoid? I just don't know!

Confusion

2008-06-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

I feel crappy this morning. I really shouldn't. I should have had a great day yesterday. I went to my third Mariners game of the week and got to hang out with two of my favorite people, Hannah and Jason. I had Cheesecake Factory with Becky and we saw "Sex and the City", which was really good. I feel just... a little depressed and kinda numb. I don't know if I'm being lied to. I don't know if I'm being too trusting or not trusting enough. Do guys in the Navy really work about 70 hours a week? When he hung up on me last week was it really because an officer walked in and he was in an embarrassing position? Should I believe him when he tells me that he misses me and wishes he could see me more? Am I girlfriend material or is he just having fun? Or am I what I fear the most.... the other woman?

A Great Day!

2008-05-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

It's late and I'm exhausted, but I felt the need to share the great day that I just had. First of all, work went really well. BOTH the girls' and the boys' Language Arts class went well. The afternoon was okay, not as great, but certainly better than usual. And RR is still suspended, so the last class was slightly easier. So, I left work in fairly high spirits.
And, thank the Lord, I saw J today. Granted it was only for twenty minutes, but let me tell you, twenty minutes with J is better than a couple of hours with any other guy I've dated. I think that's saying something.
It's also just so nice having a home. I am living in a place where I feel completely comfortable. I feel like I can hang out in my living room and lay on the couch without feeling all tense like I was just making myself at home in someone else's house. In someone else's house whom I don't like. Not a nice feeling. I feel totally at ease here and I'm very happy.
Now my 7th grade class, the Kool Clan just needs to kick some middle school butt tomorrow during Spirit Day and I will be completely content. :)

A More Positive Me!

2008-05-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a new blog; one that is more positive, but also with honesty about how I feel about myself and my life. I felt like my old blog was just too depressing. I was a little too down on my self. I was feeling bad about some of the choices that I have made in my life. But, guess what? I don't feel bad about those choices anymore. Those choices shaped who I am today and I think I am honestly beginning to like myself. At least, I like my life.
Things have been going pretty well lately. I have a beautiful new apartment that truly feels like home to me (goodbye tacky framed crossword puzzles and hair and drool ridden couches). I have a wonderful new roommate who, besides being very nice and sweet, actually cooks for me. I have fantastic friends who are always there for me when I need them. I'm in a relationship with a great guy who, while I don't get to see very often due to his job, always makes me feel like I am incredibly amazing and gorgeous woman. And there really is something to be said for that. I have a job that I love and I work with the most supportive, funny, smart people in the world. And lastly, I have a family who has done nothing but support me in all of recent changes in my life and have dealt with all my dramatic crap since I turned 12. Life is good. In fact, life is wonderful.