I Vow...

I love my friends! I've been thinking about that "Sex and the City" episode where the girls decide to be each other's soulmates and men become just these nice guys to have fun with. I'm starting to think that way. I can just go out with guys and have fun and know that my girlfriends will always be there for me. Therefore, I vow to...

1) Never cancel plans with my girlfriends for a guy.
2) Occasionally cancel plans with a guy for my girlfriends and ALWAYS cancel plans with guys if my friends really need me.
3) Fill my social life with plans with my girlfriends every weekend.
4) Date lots of guys. NEVER settle for a guy that I just "kind of" like.
5) Always think of myself as the beautiful, smart, desirable, and strong woman that I am.
6) Be loyal to my family and friends.
7) Be courageous.
8) Be strong.
9) Never be someone I'm not.
10) Love myself.

Ahhhhhh! So much going on lately! So much drama! I hate drama, but it somehow always follows me. I got irritated with J yesterday. The truth of the matter is that J just can't give me what I need. I need a real relationship with a guy who can actually be there for me. J can't do that. So, unfortunately, it's just a matter of time before this "relationship" is over. I wonder if I can keep him as a friend? Not sure. In the meantime, I'll try to keep my mind off of my bad luck with guys and focus on getting healthy and spending time with my friends and my cool new roommate.

Withheld

I'm going to stop calling J "J" and I'm going to start calling him "Withheld". I'm going to call him Withheld because that's what his number comes up on my phone as. I just got off the phone with him and he hung up on me again! No, we didn't have a fight. We were just talking like everything was normal and "bam"... dial tone. WTF!!! He'll have some excuse of course, but will I buy it?
Wait, okay, he just texted me. His phone died. Should I believe it? There was a weird beep before the phone went dead. Crap!!!

I Am Changing

Okay, I'm going to be painfully honest here. I have been feeling lately that so many beautiful, smart women with everything in the world going for them act stupid around men. I would definitely include myself in this category. Here I am, still crazy about J even though I know he is in all likelihood lying to me. I have so many girlfriends in the same boat. Great girls who fall for guys who don't deserve them and don't give them what they need. I've spent lots of time and effort trying to tell these friends that they are battling for a lost cause, while, hypocrite as I am, I continue to let J call all of the shots with me. And no, he is not giving me what I need. And yes, I do realize that the likelihood of this "relationship" working out is probably less than 1%, and yet I continue. Stupid. But isn't realizing your own stupidity the next step to getting over it? I have been single (more or less) for the past four years. I am ready for a relationship, but I am going about it in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE. So, I resolve to GET SMART. I also realize that it doesn't matter what I say to my girlfriends in similar situations. They will do what they are going to do regardless of what I tell them. They need to realize what they are worth THEMSELVES. Then they will change. After all, I never really listened to my friends' warnings. Changing is something I have to make up my mind to do myself. And I will make this change... in time.

Well, I need someone to hold me, but I'll wait for something more...

Eina posted a song on her blog the other day and I think I'll do the same. It's amazing how there always seems to be a song that fits whatever emotion you're feeling and whatever situation you're going through. As I was jogging this afternoon, I was listening to me iPod and the song, "Faith" by George Michael came on. It immediately made me feel better. I could really relate to the song. So, here it is. Take what you will from it! :)

Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too

Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
And when that love comes down
Without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have faith...

Baby
I know you're asking me to stay
Say please, please, please, don't go away
You say I'm giving you the blues
Maybe
You mean every word you say
Can't help but think of yesterday
And another who tied me down to loverboy rules

Before this river
Becomes an ocean
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've gotta have faith...

Paranoid or Naive?

What do you to when you know you are being lied to? When you have the feeling that something is just not right? I know something is not right. Things just don't add up. I hate to be paranoid, but isn't paranoid better than naive? I have no idea. I guess I have to be a detective and figure this thing out. I do know one thing, though. I am handling this whole thing pretty dang well. I mean, couple of years ago I would have been a mess. And now, well, I'm sad, of course. I'm hoping to reach the "mad" stage pretty soon. I just don't like liars. So, should I be naive or paranoid? I just don't know!

Confusion

I feel crappy this morning. I really shouldn't. I should have had a great day yesterday. I went to my third Mariners game of the week and got to hang out with two of my favorite people, Hannah and Jason. I had Cheesecake Factory with Becky and we saw "Sex and the City", which was really good. I feel just... a little depressed and kinda numb. I don't know if I'm being lied to. I don't know if I'm being too trusting or not trusting enough. Do guys in the Navy really work about 70 hours a week? When he hung up on me last week was it really because an officer walked in and he was in an embarrassing position? Should I believe him when he tells me that he misses me and wishes he could see me more? Am I girlfriend material or is he just having fun? Or am I what I fear the most.... the other woman?