Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A Happy Medium

I have been learning to stand up for myself lately. It's funny. I find it so easy to stand up for myself with some people. Well, really only my family. I have no problem standing up to them. I think this is because they are my family and I know they will love my no matter what. I have a much more difficult time standing up for myself with, well... everybody else. I am definitely non-confrontational with most people. Even with my friends.
I have lost good friends in the past for stupid reasons. I have lost friends without any explanations or answers. This makes me afraid to say anything that might upset a friend or might make them think less of me. I just want to avoid any problems I have had in the past. What people need to understand is that after my break-up with Shbob I lost EVERY SINGLE FRIEND I had in Madison with the exception of two. Of those friends, one of them stuck by me for a few months, but then stopped returning my calls or responding to my emails. To this day, I have no idea why. The other, I am still friends with. After two years at Madison, I have one real friend that I speak to on a fairly regular basis.
Thank God I have my girls in Seattle and wonderful childhood friends, Susan and Nnennia. I am able to be honest with them about what I am feeling most of the time. Still, there are times I am afraid. I feel like I need to be cheerful and happy and optimistic all of the time. Maybe this is because of what I put my friends through after my break-up. It was a difficult time to be my friend. Heck, it was a difficult time to be me.
I have been allowing people to walk all over me. I have been so non-confrontational lately that I have gone without things I need in order to make life easier for other people. Take one of my colleagues. I have spent a lot of time being a good friend to her. I took her out to dinner for her birthday and when she was sick I went to the grocery story after a long day at work to buy her soup and medicine. I have been a great friend. However, when this friend does something unfair to me, even inappropriate to me at work, I ignore it. Why? Because I am so afraid of confrontation. I am so afraid of being disliked. This made my last months of school difficult. I should have talked to her about it, but I just didn't have the backbone.
What am I trying to say? I don't even really know. I guess I am trying to explain that it is difficult for me to stand up for myself, to confront somebody about something. I guess I want my friends (and everyone else who comes across this blog) to understand this difficulty and to somehow help my stand up for myself and get what I need for myself.
I've taken a small step in standing up for myself. After all, I did end things with J. I need some help, though. Teach me a happy medium between the queen of confrontation of my past and the mousy girl with no backbone of today.