Sunday, June 29, 2008

A Lovely Weekend!

I have had a lovely weekend. It was pretty hot; in the high 80s. Every time I found myself beginning to complain about the heat, I stopped myself; remembering a few weeks ago when I was longing for this weather.
After the excitement of Friday night, I was looking forward to a nice relaxing day. I woke up early and went to boot camp and MAN, my ass is sore! I must not work those muscles very much, but it felt good. Later, I met Hannah and Jason at the SAM (Seattle Art Museum). They had an Impressionism exhibit with all of my favorites: Monet, Degas, Morisot, Pissarro. They were all there! The collection was nice, but they came no where near to the collections at the museums I went to in Rome and Paris. In a way, I think Europe ruined art for me. After the museum I got yummy takeout from Bahn Thai (soooo good) and vegged out for the remainder of the evening.
Today I went to church with George. It's funny, but I'm finding myself more and more drawn to non-Catholic Christian churches. I really like George's church: Bethany Community Church, and the message it gives. Their approach to Christianity is more practical: what can we do to be better people, to give back to the community, and to help others? That's a message I can relate to. At the same time I am hesitant to leave the faith that I grew up with. Catholicism with all of it's faults, is still a faith I'm still drawn to. I think I might find it difficult to cut off ties with the Virgin and with people I strongly admire, like Father Arnold Weber from Holy Name, Mother Theresa, and Pope John Paul II. It would also break my mother's heart. Food for thought.
I also went on a nice walk with Maddy up to Queen Anne Ave today. We enjoyed the sun and I got to sip on an ice cold soy green tea latter. Poor Maddy is so hot now, though. She is just lying on the linoleum with her tongue hanging out. All in all, it was a nice, lax weekend with lots of food for thought. :)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

A Strange Friday

Yesterday was very strange! Well, I twisted my ankle and scraped my knee. I guess that's not that strange. I tend to injure myself on a fairly regular basis. It was annoying and embarrassing though. There was a gap in the sidewalk outside the hardware store where I bought a sprinkler for the camp kids. Needless to say, I tripped and fell and swore and then limped to my car. That's not all that strange, but it did happen yesterday, so I thought I should include it.

Strange thing #1: I was taking a break at work and checking my email. I noticed that the name Jesse had popped up on my googletalk buddy list. I thought that was very strange. Jesse was the guy that I had had a brief fling with several months ago. I had really liked him and was a little disappointed when I never heard from him again. Well, he messaged me while I was checking my email. I was at work, so I couldn't chat, but I told him that I would talk to him later. So, later that day I finally talked to him. It started out normal enough. We talked about what we had been up to for the past few months. Finally, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him why he was messaging me after such a long time. He told me that he wanted to apologize for his behavior. He felt bad and embarrassed about taking so long to get in touch with me. He also admitted that he had been thinking a lot about me lately; about how I was doing and about what had happened between us. I told that I had just ended a relationship with somebody who hadn't given me what I needed and I didn't want to jump into anything like that again. I suggested being friends and he agreed. Let's see if we can actually accomplish that.

Weird thing #2: Melody woke me up in the middle of the night last night to tell me that someone had broken into the apartment directly below ours. She had woken up to flashlights shining through her window. She heard a police officer and the apartment manager talking about what happened. She was freaked out! We made sure all the doors and windows were locked and then Melody pulled her air mattress into my room so she wouldn't be alone. We didn't hear anything about it today. I'm a little freaked out because Melody is out of town this weekend. I'll be okay, though. I have Maddy! A ferocious attack dog!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

A Happy Medium

I have been learning to stand up for myself lately. It's funny. I find it so easy to stand up for myself with some people. Well, really only my family. I have no problem standing up to them. I think this is because they are my family and I know they will love my no matter what. I have a much more difficult time standing up for myself with, well... everybody else. I am definitely non-confrontational with most people. Even with my friends.
I have lost good friends in the past for stupid reasons. I have lost friends without any explanations or answers. This makes me afraid to say anything that might upset a friend or might make them think less of me. I just want to avoid any problems I have had in the past. What people need to understand is that after my break-up with Shbob I lost EVERY SINGLE FRIEND I had in Madison with the exception of two. Of those friends, one of them stuck by me for a few months, but then stopped returning my calls or responding to my emails. To this day, I have no idea why. The other, I am still friends with. After two years at Madison, I have one real friend that I speak to on a fairly regular basis.
Thank God I have my girls in Seattle and wonderful childhood friends, Susan and Nnennia. I am able to be honest with them about what I am feeling most of the time. Still, there are times I am afraid. I feel like I need to be cheerful and happy and optimistic all of the time. Maybe this is because of what I put my friends through after my break-up. It was a difficult time to be my friend. Heck, it was a difficult time to be me.
I have been allowing people to walk all over me. I have been so non-confrontational lately that I have gone without things I need in order to make life easier for other people. Take one of my colleagues. I have spent a lot of time being a good friend to her. I took her out to dinner for her birthday and when she was sick I went to the grocery story after a long day at work to buy her soup and medicine. I have been a great friend. However, when this friend does something unfair to me, even inappropriate to me at work, I ignore it. Why? Because I am so afraid of confrontation. I am so afraid of being disliked. This made my last months of school difficult. I should have talked to her about it, but I just didn't have the backbone.
What am I trying to say? I don't even really know. I guess I am trying to explain that it is difficult for me to stand up for myself, to confront somebody about something. I guess I want my friends (and everyone else who comes across this blog) to understand this difficulty and to somehow help my stand up for myself and get what I need for myself.
I've taken a small step in standing up for myself. After all, I did end things with J. I need some help, though. Teach me a happy medium between the queen of confrontation of my past and the mousy girl with no backbone of today.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Halfway There

Well, I did it. I finally did what was best for me in my relationship with J. And what was best for me was to end it. It was a scary thing for me to do. I dislike being alone. I surround myself with people constantly and it was nice to have a guy in my life, however superficial our relationship was. And it was superficial. He couldn't give me what I need, which is a real relationship. And I told him exactly that. I told him that I needed more than he could give me and that I couldn't continue to see him. The hardest part was leading up to telling him. It was a really hard thing to do. But once I did it I felt amazingly light. I felt relieved. It was the right thing to do. I feel like I can finally say that I deserve better and I'm sick of settling because I'm afraid of being alone. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who's not right for me.

I think I'm going to spend the summer working on me. I'm going to improve myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm going to work on being happier with the person I am. Believe me, I've come miles from the person I used to be. My self-confidence and love of life has dramatically increased in the past year. However, the fact that I keep finding myself in relationships with less than savory men just because they give me a little attention proves that I have a little more work to do. I'll get there, though. :)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Okay, so in reality I know that I'm really smart, but I do really dumb things at time. So, I have super sensitive skin and I burn really easily and I know this. So why do I continue to go out without sunscreen? Stupid, huh? I am a skin cancer victim waiting to happen. I think it's the Dutch in me. My dad has a very fair complexion. He's blonde, blue-eyed, and freckled. My grandfather actually had skin cancer. I need to be careful. It's only mid-June and this is the second sunburn I've had this year.
The worst sunburn I ever had was when I was in Rome during college. Rena, another girl, and I went to the beach and the sun was really hot. I DID WEAR SUNSCREEN THOUGH! However, it didn't matter. I got the worst sunburn I have ever had in my life. I actually got blisters on my back. It was painful to wear clothes. I had to get help to change clothes. HORRIBLE!!!
Tomorrow I'm going to buy sunscreen and I'm going to wear it! I swear! I'll need to working at a summer camp. :)

Crazy Horoscope

Read my horoscope for today. I nearly peed my pants...

There can be a big difference between the intense love you have to give and the easygoing love you get in return as the Full Moon joins extreme Pluto today in your 5th House of Self-Expression. Although it may be very clear to you, it's challenging to explain this to others. Transforming personal romance into spiritual devotion can be a helpful practice now as creative Venus enters your 12th House of Soul Consciousness.


Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Last Day of School

So, today was THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! I cannot believe it is over for the school year. I was ready for it to be over, but I know I'm going to miss the kids so much. I have mixed feelings, which is so different from last year. Last year I was counting down the days, hours, minutes, and second until it was over. That's not the case this year. Sure, the kids aren't perfect. It's still an inner-city school with problems, but I still love it. That says a lot. I'm ready for the summer, but I'll be ready for the fall when it comes around again!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

My New Signature Scent!

So, it suddenly occurred to me that I've been wearing the same perfume for about ten years now. I think it's time for a change. While there is nothing wrong with Clinique Happy, I just feel like it has gotten a little old and worn and predictable for me. My thoughts were confirmed when I went on my "date" yesterday and Melody asked me if I was going to wear perfume and I said "yes, Clinique Happy" and she made a face and told me to wear some of her more sexy perfume. So, today I went to U Village and went on a little shopping spree to cheer myself up from yesterday's awful date. The goal was to find my new scent.
Well, I must have spent about an hour at Sephora sniffing perfumes. I wanted something new, something sexy, yet subtle. Something innocent, yet seductive. ;) I didn't want anything predictable like Chanel #5 or Calvin Klein's Obsession. Nor did I want any of the new bestselling perfumes. I wanted something unique. And I found it, so don't steal it. Nanette Lepore. Don't steal it. It smells so good. It's going to be my new signature scent, so hands off!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

I'm Freakin' Cute!

The most humiliating, embarrassing, insulting thing that can happen to a girl is to be rejected by a guy she didn't like in the first place. I went on a date with this guy named Matt. Now, I thought Matt was a nice guy, but I wasn't really attracted to him. He wasn't really my type. He was a little too girly for me. I like manly men. Anyways, the date went as well as expected. We walked around Greenlake and talked and he was nice, but I just wasn't feeling it.
After the date I went home and relaxed and checked my email. Matt had emailed me. In the email, he wished me the best of luck, but said we weren't a good match and that he wasn't attracted to me. WTF! Okay, so I felt the exact same way. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't happen to think that I'm gorgeous, hot, or even beautiful. But I'm freakin' cute and even pretty when I put in some effort. So, what the hell? I happen to know that I am more attractive than this guy. I swear, I'm not being vain. If I had gone on a date with a very hot guy, I would not have been surprised by this response. In fact, I prefer to date guys who are not as good looking as me for that very reason. My feelings were just hurt. Stupid guy. And I missed out on seeing J because I went out with this guy. And J happens to think that I'm hot. My pride has been wounded, but I'll get over it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

I Vow...

I love my friends! I've been thinking about that "Sex and the City" episode where the girls decide to be each other's soulmates and men become just these nice guys to have fun with. I'm starting to think that way. I can just go out with guys and have fun and know that my girlfriends will always be there for me. Therefore, I vow to...

1) Never cancel plans with my girlfriends for a guy.
2) Occasionally cancel plans with a guy for my girlfriends and ALWAYS cancel plans with guys if my friends really need me.
3) Fill my social life with plans with my girlfriends every weekend.
4) Date lots of guys. NEVER settle for a guy that I just "kind of" like.
5) Always think of myself as the beautiful, smart, desirable, and strong woman that I am.
6) Be loyal to my family and friends.
7) Be courageous.
8) Be strong.
9) Never be someone I'm not.
10) Love myself.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Ahhhhhh! So much going on lately! So much drama! I hate drama, but it somehow always follows me. I got irritated with J yesterday. The truth of the matter is that J just can't give me what I need. I need a real relationship with a guy who can actually be there for me. J can't do that. So, unfortunately, it's just a matter of time before this "relationship" is over. I wonder if I can keep him as a friend? Not sure. In the meantime, I'll try to keep my mind off of my bad luck with guys and focus on getting healthy and spending time with my friends and my cool new roommate.

Monday, June 9, 2008


I'm going to stop calling J "J" and I'm going to start calling him "Withheld". I'm going to call him Withheld because that's what his number comes up on my phone as. I just got off the phone with him and he hung up on me again! No, we didn't have a fight. We were just talking like everything was normal and "bam"... dial tone. WTF!!! He'll have some excuse of course, but will I buy it?
Wait, okay, he just texted me. His phone died. Should I believe it? There was a weird beep before the phone went dead. Crap!!!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

I Am Changing

Okay, I'm going to be painfully honest here. I have been feeling lately that so many beautiful, smart women with everything in the world going for them act stupid around men. I would definitely include myself in this category. Here I am, still crazy about J even though I know he is in all likelihood lying to me. I have so many girlfriends in the same boat. Great girls who fall for guys who don't deserve them and don't give them what they need. I've spent lots of time and effort trying to tell these friends that they are battling for a lost cause, while, hypocrite as I am, I continue to let J call all of the shots with me. And no, he is not giving me what I need. And yes, I do realize that the likelihood of this "relationship" working out is probably less than 1%, and yet I continue. Stupid. But isn't realizing your own stupidity the next step to getting over it? I have been single (more or less) for the past four years. I am ready for a relationship, but I am going about it in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE. So, I resolve to GET SMART. I also realize that it doesn't matter what I say to my girlfriends in similar situations. They will do what they are going to do regardless of what I tell them. They need to realize what they are worth THEMSELVES. Then they will change. After all, I never really listened to my friends' warnings. Changing is something I have to make up my mind to do myself. And I will make this change... in time.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Well, I need someone to hold me, but I'll wait for something more...

Eina posted a song on her blog the other day and I think I'll do the same. It's amazing how there always seems to be a song that fits whatever emotion you're feeling and whatever situation you're going through. As I was jogging this afternoon, I was listening to me iPod and the song, "Faith" by George Michael came on. It immediately made me feel better. I could really relate to the song. So, here it is. Take what you will from it! :)

Well I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you

But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too

Oh but I
Need some time off from that emotion
Time to pick my heart up off the floor
And when that love comes down
Without devotion
Well it takes a strong man baby
But I'm showing you the door

'Cause I gotta have faith...

I know you're asking me to stay
Say please, please, please, don't go away
You say I'm giving you the blues
You mean every word you say
Can't help but think of yesterday
And another who tied me down to loverboy rules

Before this river
Becomes an ocean
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But I'll wait for something more

Yes I've gotta have faith...

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Paranoid or Naive?

What do you to when you know you are being lied to? When you have the feeling that something is just not right? I know something is not right. Things just don't add up. I hate to be paranoid, but isn't paranoid better than naive? I have no idea. I guess I have to be a detective and figure this thing out. I do know one thing, though. I am handling this whole thing pretty dang well. I mean, couple of years ago I would have been a mess. And now, well, I'm sad, of course. I'm hoping to reach the "mad" stage pretty soon. I just don't like liars. So, should I be naive or paranoid? I just don't know!

Sunday, June 1, 2008


I feel crappy this morning. I really shouldn't. I should have had a great day yesterday. I went to my third Mariners game of the week and got to hang out with two of my favorite people, Hannah and Jason. I had Cheesecake Factory with Becky and we saw "Sex and the City", which was really good. I feel just... a little depressed and kinda numb. I don't know if I'm being lied to. I don't know if I'm being too trusting or not trusting enough. Do guys in the Navy really work about 70 hours a week? When he hung up on me last week was it really because an officer walked in and he was in an embarrassing position? Should I believe him when he tells me that he misses me and wishes he could see me more? Am I girlfriend material or is he just having fun? Or am I what I fear the most.... the other woman?